Kat's Key #3: Wisdom

I've posted about this one before, but it's my third key to life. To me, this is the most important one of all and if you can manage this one, you can manage pretty much anything.

Kat's Key #3: Wisdom

There's a prayer called The Serenity Prayer. Whether you're a pray-er or not, there's a great lesson in this one.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You can read my original (longer) post about this too, but here's the abridged version. (Yeah, I know, this looks pretty long... you should see the other one!)

Sometimes, things come your way that you don't plan, you don't like, you don't know how to handle. These are the bumps in the road of life, the places where the path splits, moments that can trip you up if you let them.

Sometimes, you have to accept that they are what they are, and you have to move on. They can't be changed, they can only be managed.

Sometimes, they are things you can change, if you are brave enough. Many decisions in life are not easy, the path is not paved and straight, but you know you have to take action, even when you're not feeling brave.

To me, though, the key is really the wisdom to know the difference. There's no point in spinning your wheels and wasting your energy on things out of your control. Your time and energy is better spent accepting that it is what it is, and working on a plan to move forward. For the things you do have control over, stressing and being angry usually won't help, either. Your time and energy is better spent realizing that it might be difficult, but mustering up the courage to do the things which might be hard is the only thing that will move you closer to the resolution you desire.

The problems come in when you don't know the difference between the two. If you spend time trying to change things that are out of your control, you'll only end up frustrating yourself. If you choose to accept something that you could change if you tried, you'll only end up selling yourself short.

For every situation, look at whether or not you can "fix" it. Is it in your control? Do you have the authority and the resources to make it different? If not, accept and move on. If so, be brave and start the process.

I've found that in my own life, this is priority #1 in any tough situation. My stress level is reduced and my outcomes are better. I'm a happier person when I know the difference between the two and when I'm happier, so are the people around me.

Next time you're in a tough spot, assess it honestly before moving forward. Acceptance and Courage are nothing without Wisdom, at least not in my book.

Relationships. Perception. Wisdom. These are the key to my life. What are yours?

Kat's Key #2: Perception

Well, so much for posting the next two keys in the next few days. Ah, well, life happens. Better late than never, here's my next one.

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I think it's always best to build relationships with people, I really think that's the key to success in life. It's true what they say, that sometimes it's really all about who you know, who you get along with, and how you interact with people. Of course, there are times that getting to "know" everyone, building individual relationships, is just not a time-effective or realistic option. Or, you have the personal relationship, and now you need a different kind or relationship. For the "quick win," I turn to perception.

Kat's Key #2: Perception

I've had co-workers comment about how in control I seem, how I'm able to take charge of a situation and drive it to resolution, that I'm able to motivate people and get them to do what I need them to do in order to get the job done. These people ask how they can also do the same thing.

Trust me, I do not always feel in control, I don't always feel like a motivator. The trick is not always to have a full grasp on the situation, but for others to perceive that you do. If you look like you've got it under control, act like you've got it under control, then others will believe you've got it under control. And if they believe it, then it becomes true.

Now, I'm not saying you should B.S. people. No trickery, no lying, no deceit. There's a fine line between taking charge and pretending to be something that you're not, that could be a detriment to someone else. However, there's nothing wrong with putting on a brave, strong, authoritative face and acting the part -- whether you fully believe it or not -- if indeed you can pull it off and get others to follow along. This is true for me at work in many cases, but is also something I use in my "real" life, too.

Just yesterday at work, I was facilitating a conference call with about 20 people. Out of the blue, one of the people on the call started arguing that the call was not necessary, the topics we were covering were not important, and everyone's time was being wasted by asking them to participate for an hour. Whoa, Nelly!!

I will admit that this call was for a project I haven't been working on for long, and the topics we were covering were new to me. I was following "the process" even though it wasn't an area I was all that familiar with, and I couldn't truly and with authority tell him he was wrong. However, I also couldn't be bullied or let this fight continue. Though I didn't necessarily disagree with his perspective, for the sake of the project and the order of the meeting, I also couldn't back down.

With authority, I explained the purpose of the call, the value it would bring and the objectives we had to accomplish. I also explained the risks of moving forward without this particular meeting and agreement, and asked if he was willing to sign off on all of those risks. Let me tell ya, I was completely nervous in saying all of this, but I put on my "I am the project manager" voice, spoke with confidence and authority, and by the end of my spiel, others were agreeing with me and backing me up. The man who had disagreed changed his mind, and the call continued.

I didn't necessarily feel in control of the situation at the time, but others perceived me as in control and therefore, I was.

Last Friday, my daughter fell at summer camp and needed stitches in her chin. Only 3 days shy of her 5th birthday, I felt awful for her. When I first saw her she wasn't bleeding anymore and the cut was covered with a band aid, but still, my instinct was to hold her tight and cry, that's what we do when someone we love is in pain. But, every mom knows that most times, we have to swallow the tears and be brave.

When the ER nurse took off the band aid and I saw the actual cut, the tears tried to make their way back. "Is it really bad, Mommy?"

I don't like to lie to my kids, but I was not about to scare her, either. "You have a big boo-boo, but the doctor's going to fix you up, good as new." She stayed calm, and I kept choking back the tears.

My knees were shaking so bad I literally couldn't make them stop when the doctor came in to start the procedure. But she could see me, so I smiled. "You're doing great, kiddo."

She was doing great. I, on the other hand, was not. I wanted to cry and scream for my poor little baby who had this giant gash on her chin and was about to get stitched up. I was not feeling brave, not feeling strong, but I tried to show her that I was. She perceived me as strong and brave and that it wasn't all that bad and therefore, she could be strong and brave, too. And she was.

Sometimes, you have to tell the inner voice to quiet down. You have to put on your game face. You have to be strong and confident and authoritative, whether you're feeling secure about it or not. If they perceive it to be true, then it becomes so.

Kat's Key #1: Relationships

Part of my job involves mentoring people, which is something I've always enjoyed doing, even before it was part of my job. A lot of people throughout my career have asked what the "keys to success" are. Ah, if "success" was only that easy! Over the years, though, I've found 3 things that I always come back to, and I think they apply just as much to "real life" as they do to my career. Over the next few days, I'll share them here. Certainly not rocket science, just my two cents on the secret to "success" in navigating through life.

Kat's Key #1: Relationships

"Relationships" can mean a lot of different things in a lot of different contexts. For purposes of this Key, it's really defined as "interactions between people."

Over the past 10 years, I've spent time working for a number of different clients, in different industries in different parts of the country. One of my most challenging clients was a banking client in the southern U.S. The group of people I was working with was very much the same in many ways -- all men, all old enough to be my father, and none of them all that excited to be working with a 20-something blond chic from New York City. Trust me, there were no pleased looks when I walked in the room. Didn't matter that my work was stellar and that I brought a skill set their own employees didn't have, it only mattered that I was young, I was blond, I was a Yankee and worst of all, I was a woman.

Over time, most of them learned to tolerate me, they even spoke to me like a human being. But there was this one guy, we'll call him Mike (name changed to protect his identity), who just wouldn't budge. Not an inch. In meetings, I'd ask a question and he'd turn and look at someone else as he was giving the answer. I could ask what color the sky was, and Mike would turn to the guy next to him and say, "The sky is blue." Clearly, this was not an effective working relationship. I decided to make this relationship my "special project."

I started asking around. Mike had 2 grown sons (I didn't have any kids yet). He was from Alabama (I was from New York). He was a huge NASCAR fan. NASCAR? NASCAR!

I found out who is favorite driver was. I found out he was going to a race in a few weeks. And then I started Googling. And watching ESPN Sports Center. I called my brother, who could explain the difference between NASCAR and Monster Trucks and Indy in terms I could understand. (Did I mention that NASCAR was not a world I knew??)

The next time we were in a meeting together, I intentionally sat next to Mike. He didn't look at me. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and went out on a limb.

"So Mike, I hear you're headed to Talladega. Do you go every year?"

Slowly, he turned to look at me. No smile, but eye contact was a start.

"Yes, since my boys were little," he said.

"I'm not too far from Homestead (Miami Speedway)," I told him.

"I was there for the first race of the Busch series when the track opened in '95," he told me.

"Dale Jarrett won that race, right?" I asked him, hoping beyond hope that I was remembering that correctly.

He looked at me for a minute, gave me the up and down with his eyes, paused as if he was deciding whether or not to take the plunge and then he responded, "Impressive!"

***PHEW!!!***

Now, Mike and I certainly didn't become "friends" after that, and there wasn't a whole lot of chatting at the water cooler. He was still much more senior, I was still the young blond chic from New York. But, I made sure to find out who won the weekend's race before every meeting with him, and I knew where the next race was going to be held. Suddenly, he looked at me when he answered my questions. He responded to my emails. He answered the phone when I called. And he stopped referring to me as "her" in the meetings.

Over time, he grew to trust me, and I to trust him. It went from superficial chatter about race cars, which is the key that opened the door, to a full-on, effective working relationship. Sometimes all it takes is to get your foot through the door. Mike became an advocate for me, my team, and the work we were doing. He encouraged other people to do the same, and he went to bat for me when I needed it. Again, didn't make him my "friend," but it definitely made him my ally.

I've done the same kind of thing with baseball, hockey, designer handbags, breast pumps (yes, breast pumps!) and wine (I don't recommend the wine one -- there's more to know than colors!). In "real life," I've built relationships (simple as they may be) with the mean receptionist at my dentist's office ("I love that necklace, where did you get it?") and the security guard in my office building ("I brought in bagels, would you like one?") and a co-worker who doesn't like anyone ("Congratulations on your wedding! Where did you Honeymoon? Grand Cayman? Did you swim with the stingrays? Awesome, isn't it?")

Sometimes it takes a lot of work and a lot of planning, sometimes it just takes a few genuine words. (People know when you're BS-ing them, and they that's sure to backfire on you!) It doesn't have to be an emotional connection, just something in common that you can make small talk about. Once you're "human," the rest will follow.

So key #1, it's all about relationships. Get to know a person, treat them like you want to be treated, allow them to count on you and to trust you, and show them you're willing to do the same. It's amazing what you can get from an ally that you'll never get from a stranger.

Who are you going to get to know today?