Moments that make your heart smile

I'm sure it's true for all parents, but as a mom, I know I definitely have my moments when it comes to the kids...

... Moments where I'm brimming with pride, for something they've accomplished on their own.

... Moments where my heart breaks for the pain I can't take away.

... Moments where my heart stops when they're not in the place where I left them, or I have one of those illogical "something awful has happened to them" dreams.

... Moments where I can't decide whether to celebrate with laughter or cry with a touch of sadness at the milestone they've reached, which means my "baby" is growing up.

... Moments that I can't categorize in any other way, except that they make my heart smile.

Besides being a mom, I also have a full-time, outside-the-home job. Our schedules are hectic enough, and with commute times we (the whole family) are out of the house close to 12 hours/day every day during the week. On top of that, I find myself leaving early or working late at least once a week. I always try to prep the family in advance for this, especially Rachel.

"I'm going to come give you a big hug and kiss before I go, but I have a work meeting in the morning so I have to leave early and you might not be up yet."

or

"I promise to come tuck you in and read you a story soon, but I need you to play quietly for just a little bit because I have a work meeting on the phone right now."

After a long weekend at Disney World, we decided the kids should go to bed a bit early last night. I could tell that Rachel was not excited about this, and she was restless when I tucked her into bed. She poked her head out of her room once, I tucked her back in. She tossed and turned. I tucked her back in. I peeked into her room one last time before going downstairs to watch TV with hubby, and my heart stopped for a second when I saw her empty bed. She couldn't have gone anywhere, I was in the office right outside her bedroom, but it's that initial "Oh my God, she's not where I left her" panic that we parents can't seem to shake.

It only took about 3 seconds for her to emerge from her closet, see me and jump - I'd startled her. She was holding the bottom corners of a t-shirt, upside down, yet very precisely. Odd, this is a kid who hates to wear shirts and pants, only dresses.

I watched her walk to her bed, where she very carefully laid this t-shirt on a stack of 3 other t-shirts, precisely over top of the one below, and smoothed out all the wrinkles.

"Rach, what are you doing with the shirts?"

"I'm getting ready, Mom, so I don't have to get up so early."

"Ready for what, Rachel?"

"A work meeting."

I wanted to be mad at her for being out of bed, for playing with clothes she has no intention of wearing, preparing for a "meeting" she doesn't really have. But I couldn't be mad, it was just too cute.

I convinced her to move the pile of shirts off the bed and onto the floor, with the promise that I would leave them there until morning. I tucked her back in (again!) and went downstairs to watch TV.

Before I went to bed, I went in to give her one last kiss. Apparently, she had finished the preparations for her work meeting:


I'm not sure why, but something about this sight brought a smile to my face and a smile to my heart. I can't explain it, and hubby certainly didn't understand my urge to scoop Rachel up, hug her until she burst and tell her how happy she makes me. Maybe no one else will understand either.... but this, my friends, was a moment that made my heart smile.

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I just had to add that it was 8 years ago today that I married the love of my life, who built this amazing family with me, to give me endless, priceless, makes-my-heart-smile-moments.

Proud Mama!

I suppose I should start by saying that I'm a bit ashamed to have been so weak in this area to begin with, but the pride wins out, so I just don't care...

Rachel was 2 months old before we gave her a pacifier. We didn't want to, she didn't seem to need it, and we weren't gonna do it. Ever. Right....

She was such a LOUD sleeper as a baby, in the cradle next to our bed. She just made little noises in her sleep all the time and as new parents, of course, we jumped up for every single one of them. I clearly remember that October night, rummaging around in the dark, digging through the closet in the nursery, just positive there had to be a binky in there somewhere. Finally, I found one, it was clearly Heaven sent. She took it right away and we slept. All of us. Finally!

Fast forward a few years to the night before Easter about 5 months before she turned 3. I was 5 months pregnant and determined to break her of the binky before the new baby arrived. We had talked about how giving all of your binkies to the Easter Bunny meant he'd leave extra treats, and deliver the binkies to other babies' Easter baskets. This was all going well as she dropped each excitedly into the empty Easter basket before bed... until she got to the last one. She stopped. She looked up at me. Her eyes filled with tears. "But Mommy, this means I won't have any binkies!" Yes, dear, that's the point!

I looked at hubby, he looked at me. I could see his response in his eyes. "This was your idea, I'm staying out of it." And then I caved. She kept the last binky. But ONLY for bed and the car.

Then baby #2 came along. She wanted NO part of the paci and still we pushed it on her, right from the get-go. She had acid reflux and wasn't comfortable for a second of the first 11 weeks of her life, unless I was holding her upright, while standing, and bouncing. I am not exaggerating when I say I held her for 2 weeks straight from 6-7 weeks old. Anyway... the paci kept her calm, so we gave it to her ALL the time. And of course, with a new baby in the house who required constant attention, we were willing to "overlook" Rachel's increased (outside the bed and the car) use of the binky. A lot.

We finally weaned her back to "only" her two permitted spots. She turned 3 with the binky. And then 4. And then I'd had enough. MORE than enough. However, even the mere mention of taking it away elicited the most pained, tortured, someone-just-shot-my-best-friend sort of response. I wanted it gone, at any price. But hubby, who takes her and her binky-wielding little sister back and forth to school each day (45+ minutes each way) was not prepared to play along.

And then she lost it. Literally.

Last Thursday night, as I was tucking her in and she was saying goodnight through the binky (I hate that!) I mentioned again that soon, we'd need to get rid of it. She'll be 5 in August for cryin' out loud! Again, I got "the" response. Of course.

2am, she shuffles in to our room. "Daddy, I can't find my bee-bee." Daddy rolls out of bed, trudges into her room to help her find it, it's usually buried under covers or on the floor between the bed and the wall. Only this time, it wasn't. He told her just to go to sleep, she'd live.

Until 3am, when she shuffles back in to the room. "Daddy, I still can't find my bee-bee."

"Go to bed, Rachel, you'll find it in the morning."

Tears. Little feet shuffling back to her bed, whimpering softly. My heart breaking, yet determined to stay strong. The child will not die if she has to make it through the rest of the night without a piece of plastic in her mouth.

Until 5am, when she shuffles to my side of the bed. I send her away. It hurt me, but I did it.

45 minutes later, she finds me downstairs making my coffee. "Mommy...."

I trudge upstairs to help her find the binky. I can't find it. Did she swallow the thing?? It is no where to be found, literally.

I think quickly and decide to use the opportunity, as any self-serving yet brilliant mother would.

"Rachel, do you know what this means?!?! You did it! You went a night without your binky! You're a big girl now!!!"

"I am?" comes the soft response, full of wonder, amazement, and verging on tears.

"Yes, you did!!" ((((Big hugs!!))))

She's not sure, but that's it, no turning back now. She got upset getting in the car to go to school, but I made sure to give hubby the "if you slip her the binky that I know you have hidden in your pocket, you will be sleeping on the couch for a week" look. And guess what? She did it! Again! All the way to school, no binky. On the ride home, she didn't even ask for it. And she hasn't asked for it since. Over four years of trying to get that thing away from her, and all it took was for it to literally disappear in the middle of the night. Why did I not think of that myself?!?!?

Honestly, I don't have a clue where it went. I've pulled her room apart, I can't find the silly thing. Maybe she's hidden it and pulls it out after I go to sleep, who knows. All I know is that I can see her smile and hear her voice, and it's the most beautiful thing ever.

One kid down, one to go....

So many things to write about but instead....

So many things I'd like to write about here, if only there was more time in a day. If I had more free time, you'd have posts on:

My family's recent trip to New York, to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday. I'd tell you all about how it was the first time in almost 20 years that she had both her kids and all 4 of her grandkids (including one who lives in Austria!) in the same place at the same time, with the new addition of 2 great grandkids.

The lost and then found butterfly backpack that my 4-year-old left in the Syracuse airport, and the very nice police officer who tracked down my cell phone number and returned it to me. Of course, he scolded me for not letting her have snacks in it, but both the butterfly backpack and the cherished Jasmine doll made it back to us the very same night.

The two ladybugs that I found on the slide at my grandmother's house, which reminded me that even though my grandpa's been gone almost 7 years, he's always still here with us.

The two more times that a gas station attendant kept 2 cents of my change without blinking an eye, and the 2 cents I decided to leave on the counter another day, since there's clearly a penny shortage at my local gas station's convenience store.

My frustration with the healthcare system in this country, and the rates that doctors charge vs. the rates the companies pay vs. the co-pay for which I'm responsible.

The new summer swim camp that we just signed my girls up for.

So many more things....

But instead, since my time is limited, I choose to focus it on the following:

Spending extra time hugging and loving on my girls, my husband and my family, all the while saying prayers for peace and healing for the family of Sasha, a co-worker's 18-month-old neighbor who passed away on Friday, following an accident in the family pool last month.

Being thankful that my new shoes are pinching my toes because at least it means I can walk, and saying prayers for healing for my brother-in-law Steven and sister-in-law Ana, who were badly burned on their legs on Friday by a giant pot of boiling water (150 gallons) which tipped over in an freak accident. Steven is walking with crutches, Ana remains in the trauma center.

Checking the smoke detector batteries in my house, after my long-time friend Eric and his wife lost their entire home to a fire this weekend, and saying prayers of thanks that they both (along with the dog) made it out in time, and that their son was not home when it happened.

Making a baby blanket for my friend Megan, who is due in early June, and praying that her husband gets medical answers soon. They've ruled out lung cancer, tuberculosis and a few other things, but still can't tell him why he's been sick for 2 months or what he should do to start feeling better.

Thinking of new ways I can turn my spare change into something greater, something more than pennies, since I now know that 2 cents at a time won't change my life, but might mean something to somebody else.

What have you been doing with your free time?

Alexander's Heart, by Hailey

Want to know what I want to be when I grow up? Visit Hailey's blog and you'll see. I want to be as strong, kind and wonderful as she is. She is 12, I have never met her, but I will adore her always. What she has set out to do, how she has turned a devastating loss into something good, it's truly selfless and inspiring.

Go read, she'll show you an amazing spirit we could use so much more of in this world.

Alexander's Heart, by Hailey

Hailey, if you happen to see this post, I have a story for you, something that perhaps will give you strength when you need it. It's something so small, but to me, it's huge. Maybe when you see a ladybug, you'll know, too.

When nice things happen

I don't even know what to say, other than this is one of the nicest surprises I've gotten in a long time and I couldn't resist sharing...

Luanne is a woman I "know" through her blog, which is on my "daily must-read list." She reads my blog (not that there's much to read these days!), I read hers, and we exchange blog comments from time to time. I know that Luanne is a Disney-aholic, and she knows that I live in Florida. We each have two daughters (she has a son, too) and we are both fans of CoolPeopleCare and CoolMomsCare.

Out of the blue today, I got an email from Luanne, an email that made my day, week and month. Turns out that Luanne had preplanned (and paid for in advance) a weekend trip to Disney World in May for the Minnie Marathon and the 5K Go Red for Women, and some of her guests aren't able to make the date. She has an extra studio booked at the Boardwalk Villas, plus two tickets to Mickey's Pirate and Princess Party, an after hours party that my daughter keeps asking to attend, and we keep saying "maybe next time."

Luanne, giant sweetheart that she is, thought of my family (who she's never even met!) and offered the room and the tickets to us, free of charge. Say what?!?!? A 3-night stay at the Boardwalk Villas plus two party tickets, for nothing? How nice is that??

I talked to my husband, made sure the weekend was clear, then very happily accepted Luanne's offer, with the caveat that I'd like to pay her for at least the tickets. She said no. The only thing she would like in return is a group picture of us from Disney, to hang in her Disney-themed guest room. (Mind you, this is a big price for me, who is not a fan of being in front of the camera, but all in all, a very small thing to ask for such a big gift!)

I am in total shock at this amazing offer, this amazing woman, this amazing act of kindness. This is a biggie, one I'm not sure many of us can match. But when nice things happen to me, it inspires me to do nice things for other people, who hopefully, will be inspired to do nice things for someone else, too. The chain of kindness, I think that's really the nicest thing of all. Luanne, thanks for being nice and passing it on!

The Wisdom to know the difference

I was walking down the hallway at work last week, when out of nowhere The Serenity Prayer came to me. I wasn't sure why at the time, but it's been running through my head over and over again, and I've finally figured out why God sent it my way.

If you're not familiar with the prayer, you can find the full, original version here, which was written by Reinhold Niebuhr. The most well-known (albeit abridged) version, I think, is this one, which I've known since I was a child:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Back in November, I got a promotion at work. Before this promotion, I was constantly stressed out. Too much work to get done in a day, a long commute (60 miles each way), plus two kids, a home, a husband and a dog who never got as much attention as I wanted them to have. I felt like no matter what I did or how hard I worked, I could never finish my to-do list, never leave the office feeling like I could really stop thinking about work and focus only on my family.

When the promotion came along, I was excited yet nervous. Though I'd been informally serving as a mentor to many people on my team, I was now formally "responsible" for a team of 15 people. All of them would now come to me for advice, support, guidance, problem resolution, escalation, and I had no one to send them to but myself. I love my team and I enjoy the "people part" of my job more than anything else... but to continue my current project workload plus take on a team of fifteen plus have full responsibility for the relationship with our client... wow! That's enough to overwhelm anyone, me thinks.

A few weeks into the job, I was talking with my predecessor and former boss. He asked how it was going and oddly, much as I had on my plate... I was good! Truly, honestly good! He knew I was an "always stressed out" kind of person and I he was surprised at how much more relaxed I was, even with all the new responsibility. To tell the truth, I was surprised at myself. That's where The Serenity Prayer comes in.

For as long as I can remember, my prayers ask not for understanding, not (usually) for a specific result... but instead, for acceptance of whatever situation comes my way and the courage to do what I needed to do to face it. Without realizing it, I was praying the Serenity Prayer.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

It doesn't matter if I understand why something is happening, I have to trust that God has a reason for everything. It doesn't do me any good to ask, "why me?" What's the difference? How does that solve the problem? What does move me forward is to recognize it, accept it, and then find a plan of attack.

"Courage to change the things I can;"

Gosh, do I need courage! So many times, the "right thing to do" is so hard, the decisions so difficult, the risks and consequences so scary. I pray for courage, to do what I have to do to make things right.

"And wisdom to know the difference."

This, my friends, is the key. Acceptance of what I cannot change and courage to change what I can don't make a bit of difference if I don't know the difference between the two. Yes, I have more on my plate than I can ever get done in a day. That hasn't changed. What has changed is my outlook and my attitude. I know I can't do it all, can't change it all. Instead of stressing out about everything, I focus on what I can do something about, and that's what I do. I know going in that I can't finish it all, and instead, I do the best I can with the time I have and consider that my accomplishment, not a completed to-do list. Acceptance and Courage are nothing without Wisdom, at least not in my book.

19 ounces

19 ounces. That's how much my 19 1/2 month old little girl has gained in the past 6 weeks. This is very good news for us, as we've been struggling with weight issues with her and in the previous 6 weeks, she had lost 9.5 ounces.

Yes, I've eaten steaks that weigh more than what she gained this time around, but I'm still considering it a very major accomplishment! Her pediatrician wants to repeat some blood tests (uugghh!) just to be sure everything is still OK, and he said we should now stop catering to her picky eating habits. But, we don't have to take her back for another weight check until her 2 year old checkup (in June), versus every 6 weeks like we've been doing.

The size 12 month pants still fall off her and she's still below 0% on "the curve." But, she's moving in the right direction and this mommy couldn't be happier! She's still my Spectacular Thing in the Not-Quite-As-Small-Anymore package :-)