I am Supergirl

A while back, Pepsi ran a promotion in conjunction with the Superman Returns movie, which included the big Superman "S" logo on the side of their cans. One night we had a friend over for dinner and he was teaching my daughter (who was not quite 3 at the time) that "S" was for Superman. After dinner, the two of them played Superman and Supergirl and for weeks after that, she would ask me, when she saw me drinking a Pepsi, if I was Supergirl, too. I was never sure how to answer, as I never quite felt like Supergirl... but to her, "Supergirl" just meant that I'd put on a pretend cape and pretend to fly around the house with her. To my little girl, I was Supergirl.

If you've read my past few blog posts, you'll know that I have recently quit smoking. This has been a HUGE step for me and though I'm only 2 weeks in, I really believe that finally, this is the time that's going to work for me. I was ready, I was motivated, and I'm doing it! Though I'm a perfectionist at heart and my own most critical reviewer (I always feel like no matter what I've done, I always could have done it a little bit better), I have to admit that with the smoking thing, I feel awesome about myself. There's nothing I could have done better, and I am so stinkin' proud!

This weekend I was shopping at my favorite discount store, on my way to the checkout. As I was walking by the aisle with the pocketbooks, I noticed a display of baseball caps. One in particular caught my attention... it was a navy blue hat with a big pink "S" logo on the front. Supergirl. The front of the brim was intentionally frayed in a few places, exposing pink underneath. Made the hat look loved and worn. It was a hat a young person would wear. This hat was cool!

I intended to keep walking toward the checkout, but I couldn't. I had to go see the hat. $9. Not bad. I picked it up. I tried it on. I found a mirror to see how it looked. I put it back. I picked it up again. Why couldn't I put this hat down? The debate started in my head:

"You really don't need another hat."

"But this hat is cute! I love this hat!"

"Superman? You've never even seen the movie!"

"I just got a raise and quit smoking. I deserve a treat. And besides, this hat is only $9. What's the big deal here?"

"Daughter is going to take this hat from you, you'll never get to wear it anyway."

"Fine, so if she loves it that much, I'll come back and buy her one, too."

I bought that hat. Of course, once I get started, I can't stop myself. I also picked up a $6 pink t-shirt to match it. Mind you, I've never really been a fan of pink. Too girly. But lately, I've been drawn to it. A few weeks ago, I even let Daughter (now age 4) talk me into buying a pink cell phone when I went to get my old one replaced. My sister just sent me a pink purse. And now, I choose a hat with a pink Superman logo, and then a pink t-shirt, too? What's going on with me?

So I take the Supergirl hat home. I put it on to show Hubby. I'm feeling pretty darn hip in this hat, I have to say. "You bought a ripped hat?" he asks me.

"Yes, I think it looks cool." He rolls his eyes, but admits the hat is nice.

I got thinking about it more and I've decided that this really is the perfect hat for me. Yes, folks, I am Supergirl. And not only to my 4-year-old. I am Supergirl to myself, and it feels pretty darn good. Though I've got some visible frays and scars on the outside, underneath is a beautiful person. On the outside I may be plain and not overly girly, but I am strong and amazing underneath. And right there in the middle, for everyone to see? Supergirl.

After quitting smoking I know this more than ever: I am capable of anything. I might not be invincible, but I know I can face any challenge head-on and nothing is too big to get through. I might fall down and get a few scrapes, but underneath, I am still strong and determined and yes, sometimes girly. Yes, I am Supergirl.

The Good, The Bad and The (hopefully not so) Ugly

My husband often asks me, "which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" I usually ask for the bad news first, with the hope that the good news is so good, the bad news won't matter. Today, though, I'll start with the good news first, because it's just too good to wait for!

As I've posted before, I'm working on a goal to "Be a Non-Smoker." Yesterday was my last day as a smoker. Today, I am a non-smoker. Wow, that was easy... yesterday I was a smoker, and today I am not. Clearly, it remains to be seen if I'm still a non-smoker this afternoon, and tomorrow, and next week and next month, but at least for right now, in this moment, I am a non-smoker.

Unlike with weight loss (something I know a lot of people struggle with and may be able to relate to more than smoking), I can just "declare" myself a non-smoker and as long as I don't light up, then I get to be just that. With weight loss, I can't just declare myself thin and be done with it. For me (as a smoker), this is the good news... I say it, and it's done! Easy as pie.

Of course, there's bad news, too... it's not really as simple as "just don't light up" anymore. Even with The Magic Pill I'm taking to help me, I still feel the signs of withdrawal (headache, inability to concentrate as much for a long period of time, etc.) and the habits are ingrained (reach for a smoke when I get in the car, when I'm hungry, before a long conference call is about to begin for work, etc.). So, the bad news is that I still have to work at not lighting up, and I know it'll be a rough row to hoe, but I'm ready!

With The Good and The Bad usually comes The Ugly, which may well be how I'm acting a few days from now (Quit Day 3 has historically been the hardest for me). However, for now I choose to focus on The Good (I'm a non-smoker) and will mitigate The Bad (cravings and withdrawal) as it comes, in order to avoid The Ugly. Look how much progress I've made already:

Within X time after my last cigarette (last night at 10:02pm):

• 20 minutes - My blood pressure, pulse rate, and the temperature of my hands and feet all returned to normal.
• 12 hours - My blood oxygen level has increased to normal and carbon monoxide levels have have dropped to normal.

And I've got this to look forward to:

• 48 hours - Damaged nerve endings will have started to regrow and my sense of smell and taste will begin to return to normal.
• 72 hours - My entire body will test 100% nicotine-free and over 90% of all nicotine metabolites will now have passed from my body. I can also expect the symptoms of chemical withdrawal to have peaked in intensity. My bronchial tubes will have begun to relax thus making it easier to breathe. My lung capacity will have also started to increase.
• 10 days to 2 weeks - My body will have physically adjusted to again functioning without nicotine and the more than 3,500 chemical particles and 500 gases present in each and every puff.
• 2 weeks to 3 months - My heart attack risk will have started to drop. My lung function will have started to improve.
• 3 weeks to 3 months - My circulation will have substantially improved. Walking will have become easier. Any smoker's cough will have disappeared.
• 1 to 9 months - Any smoking related sinus congestion, fatigue or shortness of breath will have decreased. Cilia will have regrown in my lungs, thereby increasing their ability to handle mucus, keep my lungs clean, and reduce infections. My body's overall energy will have increased.
• 1 year - My excess risk of coronary heart disease will have dropped to less than half that of a smoker.
• 5 to 15 years - My risk of stroke will have declined to that of a non-smoker.
• 10 years - My risk of death from lung cancer will have declined by almost half . My risk of cancer of the mouth, throat and esophagus will have decreased.
• 15 years - My risk of coronary heart disease will be that of a person who has never smoked.

Source: WhyQuit.com

Gap Analysis

In my 9-5 job, I work as a consultant. As consultants, we use lots of fancy-schmancy words (such as "deliverable" and "workobject" and "prioritization queue") in order to make ourselves sound important. Unfortunately, some of these words carry over into my "other" jobs (wife, mother, etc.) to the point that my husband often teases me that he can't do a home improvement project unless I first present to him "a design deliverable, in Power Point, with system flows and required signoffs."

If you've happened to read my other blog, you know that one of the things I'm working on in my personal life is to Be a Non Smoker. I've spent a good part of the past few weeks thinking about and planning for this goal, and in doing so, another fancy-schmancy term from work keeps ringing in my head, over and over again: Gap Analysis

What's a gap analysis? It's a simple concept, really. My job is basically to help large corporations improve their business and technology processes and infrastructure. To do this, the first step is to determine the current process and procedures. We call this the "as is." (Duh!) Next step is to determine how you want things to work in the future. We call this the "to be." (Again, duh!) The gap analysis is just what it sounds like... a long, hard look at the difference (gap) between what you have today and what you want to have tomorrow. (No, it's really not rocket science, but don't tell that to the people that hire us "consultants!") After that comes the "workplan," wherein you lay out all the detailed steps on how to get from "as is" to "to be," thus closing off the gap.

So as I've been thinking about "Be a Non Smoker," I've been doing some soul searching about why now, finally, is the time for me to do this and do it right. There are all the obvious reasons about why it's a good idea to stop smoking... it's unhealthy, it smells bad, etc. But I've tried to quit (with varying degrees of success) more times than I can count and every time I've quit, I've started back up again. Unhealthy and smelly don't seem to be enough to make me quit for good. I needed more than that. Enter my own personal gap analysis.

What it boils down to is that my "to be Kat" is not someone who smokes. She's not someone who relies on chemicals or settles for "I can't do it because it's too hard." This is not to say I'm a wuss... I've overcome pretty much everything else "bad" in my life, and I don't settle for much less than perfection in most things... but this smoking thing keeps kicking my butt, over and over again.

There are lots of other things I'd like to change about myself, some of them small and some of them big. Short of hitting the lottery, quitting my job and moving to a remote island in the South Pacific, some of them will never happen, and that's OK with me. It's a balance I need to find and accept for myself on which of the "as is" things can be incorporated into my life in a "this is OK with me" sort of way, which things I can change, and what a realistic, affordable "to be" looks like. My gap analysis is a work in progress (and the workplan is still in very early draft mode), but it's something I've been giving more and more thought to. What can I improve? What can I afford? What gives me the most bang for my buck vs. what might "cost" more (not necessarily in terms of money) but has the best CBA (cost benefit analysis -- another consulting buzzword).

Not sure where my gap analysis will lead me, though in my mind I'm working on an honest picture of my "as is" and thinking through what's a realistic, achievable "to be." I may or may not post more on it here, and these things may or may not end up on my 5 Things list. But... it's a great, honest, introspective exercise and if you haven't ever tried it, it's something you might also think about doing.

Though it's a lot of work (mentally, emotionally and maybe, even physically) to start tackling my "to be Kat" list, I hope that even when this exercise is done, there will be more to add. After all, what fun would life be if you knew that this is as good as it's going to get? There's always more to work on, always a way to improve, always a "next thing." My next thing is to Be a Non Smoker.... what's yours?