Kat's Key #1: Relationships

Part of my job involves mentoring people, which is something I've always enjoyed doing, even before it was part of my job. A lot of people throughout my career have asked what the "keys to success" are. Ah, if "success" was only that easy! Over the years, though, I've found 3 things that I always come back to, and I think they apply just as much to "real life" as they do to my career. Over the next few days, I'll share them here. Certainly not rocket science, just my two cents on the secret to "success" in navigating through life.

Kat's Key #1: Relationships

"Relationships" can mean a lot of different things in a lot of different contexts. For purposes of this Key, it's really defined as "interactions between people."

Over the past 10 years, I've spent time working for a number of different clients, in different industries in different parts of the country. One of my most challenging clients was a banking client in the southern U.S. The group of people I was working with was very much the same in many ways -- all men, all old enough to be my father, and none of them all that excited to be working with a 20-something blond chic from New York City. Trust me, there were no pleased looks when I walked in the room. Didn't matter that my work was stellar and that I brought a skill set their own employees didn't have, it only mattered that I was young, I was blond, I was a Yankee and worst of all, I was a woman.

Over time, most of them learned to tolerate me, they even spoke to me like a human being. But there was this one guy, we'll call him Mike (name changed to protect his identity), who just wouldn't budge. Not an inch. In meetings, I'd ask a question and he'd turn and look at someone else as he was giving the answer. I could ask what color the sky was, and Mike would turn to the guy next to him and say, "The sky is blue." Clearly, this was not an effective working relationship. I decided to make this relationship my "special project."

I started asking around. Mike had 2 grown sons (I didn't have any kids yet). He was from Alabama (I was from New York). He was a huge NASCAR fan. NASCAR? NASCAR!

I found out who is favorite driver was. I found out he was going to a race in a few weeks. And then I started Googling. And watching ESPN Sports Center. I called my brother, who could explain the difference between NASCAR and Monster Trucks and Indy in terms I could understand. (Did I mention that NASCAR was not a world I knew??)

The next time we were in a meeting together, I intentionally sat next to Mike. He didn't look at me. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and went out on a limb.

"So Mike, I hear you're headed to Talladega. Do you go every year?"

Slowly, he turned to look at me. No smile, but eye contact was a start.

"Yes, since my boys were little," he said.

"I'm not too far from Homestead (Miami Speedway)," I told him.

"I was there for the first race of the Busch series when the track opened in '95," he told me.

"Dale Jarrett won that race, right?" I asked him, hoping beyond hope that I was remembering that correctly.

He looked at me for a minute, gave me the up and down with his eyes, paused as if he was deciding whether or not to take the plunge and then he responded, "Impressive!"

***PHEW!!!***

Now, Mike and I certainly didn't become "friends" after that, and there wasn't a whole lot of chatting at the water cooler. He was still much more senior, I was still the young blond chic from New York. But, I made sure to find out who won the weekend's race before every meeting with him, and I knew where the next race was going to be held. Suddenly, he looked at me when he answered my questions. He responded to my emails. He answered the phone when I called. And he stopped referring to me as "her" in the meetings.

Over time, he grew to trust me, and I to trust him. It went from superficial chatter about race cars, which is the key that opened the door, to a full-on, effective working relationship. Sometimes all it takes is to get your foot through the door. Mike became an advocate for me, my team, and the work we were doing. He encouraged other people to do the same, and he went to bat for me when I needed it. Again, didn't make him my "friend," but it definitely made him my ally.

I've done the same kind of thing with baseball, hockey, designer handbags, breast pumps (yes, breast pumps!) and wine (I don't recommend the wine one -- there's more to know than colors!). In "real life," I've built relationships (simple as they may be) with the mean receptionist at my dentist's office ("I love that necklace, where did you get it?") and the security guard in my office building ("I brought in bagels, would you like one?") and a co-worker who doesn't like anyone ("Congratulations on your wedding! Where did you Honeymoon? Grand Cayman? Did you swim with the stingrays? Awesome, isn't it?")

Sometimes it takes a lot of work and a lot of planning, sometimes it just takes a few genuine words. (People know when you're BS-ing them, and they that's sure to backfire on you!) It doesn't have to be an emotional connection, just something in common that you can make small talk about. Once you're "human," the rest will follow.

So key #1, it's all about relationships. Get to know a person, treat them like you want to be treated, allow them to count on you and to trust you, and show them you're willing to do the same. It's amazing what you can get from an ally that you'll never get from a stranger.

Who are you going to get to know today?