Independence Day

A memo sent home on Friday from my daughter's elementary school:

On Monday, August 25, 2008, we will celebrate our students' 'independence' by participating in our very own Independence Day. Students will be dropped off at the front of the building and walk independently to class.

Sounds simple enough, eh? If you're the kid, maybe. But when you're the mom?!? **sniff, sniff**

Rachel did great. We hugged and kissed before we left the house, since I knew I'd have to pull up, let her out, and then keep moving. (There's a line and order to maintain, you know!) She had a huge smile and a big wave as she and her larger-than-life princess backpack skipped down the sidewalk and into the front doors where the principal was standing watch. I knew she was happy, I knew she was brave, I knew she was safe. She was certainly fine, but it was still all I could do not to cry the entire way to work.

There's a tiny little part of me that wishes she still "needed" me more, and I try to let that tiny little part be completely overshadowed by the joy and pride of knowing that I raised a good kid, a brave kid, a strong kid, a happy kid. But it's still really hard on a mom, ya know?!?

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. Rachel fell at summer camp and required 7 stitches in her chin. Then came her 5th birthday party, with 60+ people at our house. Then back to school, which was exciting and scary for all of us. Then at work, I had to let 2 people go due to the economic downturn, and have wondered if I'll still have a job by the time this year is through, for the very same reason. There's a lot going on, a lot to bog a gal down, and it's been hard to keep my head far enough above water to see the sunshine these past few weeks.

This morning, though, hard as it was to watch my little girl be so independent, I also realized that her independence was just the sunshine I've been looking for. I certainly can't take all the credit for her being so amazing... she has a great dad, a great extended family, and a great head on her shoulders. But ya know what, she's got a great mom, too. She's happy, she's healthy, and she's thriving. That's the brightest sunshine a lady could ask for, and if it means she's more independent from Mom in the process, then so be it.

So today, I declare Independence Day for both of us. For Rachel, it's independence from Mom walking her to her classroom. For Mom, it's independence from doubt -- doubt about if she'll be OK, doubt about whether or not we've prepared her well enough for kindergarten and all the comes with it, doubt about my own ability to handle my little girl growing up. She will be OK, we have prepared her well enough and I can handle this. I know I can, I know I can, I know I can... of course, I may be asking for support from another bag of peanut butter cookies.....

Kat's Key #3: Wisdom

I've posted about this one before, but it's my third key to life. To me, this is the most important one of all and if you can manage this one, you can manage pretty much anything.

Kat's Key #3: Wisdom

There's a prayer called The Serenity Prayer. Whether you're a pray-er or not, there's a great lesson in this one.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You can read my original (longer) post about this too, but here's the abridged version. (Yeah, I know, this looks pretty long... you should see the other one!)

Sometimes, things come your way that you don't plan, you don't like, you don't know how to handle. These are the bumps in the road of life, the places where the path splits, moments that can trip you up if you let them.

Sometimes, you have to accept that they are what they are, and you have to move on. They can't be changed, they can only be managed.

Sometimes, they are things you can change, if you are brave enough. Many decisions in life are not easy, the path is not paved and straight, but you know you have to take action, even when you're not feeling brave.

To me, though, the key is really the wisdom to know the difference. There's no point in spinning your wheels and wasting your energy on things out of your control. Your time and energy is better spent accepting that it is what it is, and working on a plan to move forward. For the things you do have control over, stressing and being angry usually won't help, either. Your time and energy is better spent realizing that it might be difficult, but mustering up the courage to do the things which might be hard is the only thing that will move you closer to the resolution you desire.

The problems come in when you don't know the difference between the two. If you spend time trying to change things that are out of your control, you'll only end up frustrating yourself. If you choose to accept something that you could change if you tried, you'll only end up selling yourself short.

For every situation, look at whether or not you can "fix" it. Is it in your control? Do you have the authority and the resources to make it different? If not, accept and move on. If so, be brave and start the process.

I've found that in my own life, this is priority #1 in any tough situation. My stress level is reduced and my outcomes are better. I'm a happier person when I know the difference between the two and when I'm happier, so are the people around me.

Next time you're in a tough spot, assess it honestly before moving forward. Acceptance and Courage are nothing without Wisdom, at least not in my book.

Relationships. Perception. Wisdom. These are the key to my life. What are yours?

Kat's Key #2: Perception

Well, so much for posting the next two keys in the next few days. Ah, well, life happens. Better late than never, here's my next one.

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I think it's always best to build relationships with people, I really think that's the key to success in life. It's true what they say, that sometimes it's really all about who you know, who you get along with, and how you interact with people. Of course, there are times that getting to "know" everyone, building individual relationships, is just not a time-effective or realistic option. Or, you have the personal relationship, and now you need a different kind or relationship. For the "quick win," I turn to perception.

Kat's Key #2: Perception

I've had co-workers comment about how in control I seem, how I'm able to take charge of a situation and drive it to resolution, that I'm able to motivate people and get them to do what I need them to do in order to get the job done. These people ask how they can also do the same thing.

Trust me, I do not always feel in control, I don't always feel like a motivator. The trick is not always to have a full grasp on the situation, but for others to perceive that you do. If you look like you've got it under control, act like you've got it under control, then others will believe you've got it under control. And if they believe it, then it becomes true.

Now, I'm not saying you should B.S. people. No trickery, no lying, no deceit. There's a fine line between taking charge and pretending to be something that you're not, that could be a detriment to someone else. However, there's nothing wrong with putting on a brave, strong, authoritative face and acting the part -- whether you fully believe it or not -- if indeed you can pull it off and get others to follow along. This is true for me at work in many cases, but is also something I use in my "real" life, too.

Just yesterday at work, I was facilitating a conference call with about 20 people. Out of the blue, one of the people on the call started arguing that the call was not necessary, the topics we were covering were not important, and everyone's time was being wasted by asking them to participate for an hour. Whoa, Nelly!!

I will admit that this call was for a project I haven't been working on for long, and the topics we were covering were new to me. I was following "the process" even though it wasn't an area I was all that familiar with, and I couldn't truly and with authority tell him he was wrong. However, I also couldn't be bullied or let this fight continue. Though I didn't necessarily disagree with his perspective, for the sake of the project and the order of the meeting, I also couldn't back down.

With authority, I explained the purpose of the call, the value it would bring and the objectives we had to accomplish. I also explained the risks of moving forward without this particular meeting and agreement, and asked if he was willing to sign off on all of those risks. Let me tell ya, I was completely nervous in saying all of this, but I put on my "I am the project manager" voice, spoke with confidence and authority, and by the end of my spiel, others were agreeing with me and backing me up. The man who had disagreed changed his mind, and the call continued.

I didn't necessarily feel in control of the situation at the time, but others perceived me as in control and therefore, I was.

Last Friday, my daughter fell at summer camp and needed stitches in her chin. Only 3 days shy of her 5th birthday, I felt awful for her. When I first saw her she wasn't bleeding anymore and the cut was covered with a band aid, but still, my instinct was to hold her tight and cry, that's what we do when someone we love is in pain. But, every mom knows that most times, we have to swallow the tears and be brave.

When the ER nurse took off the band aid and I saw the actual cut, the tears tried to make their way back. "Is it really bad, Mommy?"

I don't like to lie to my kids, but I was not about to scare her, either. "You have a big boo-boo, but the doctor's going to fix you up, good as new." She stayed calm, and I kept choking back the tears.

My knees were shaking so bad I literally couldn't make them stop when the doctor came in to start the procedure. But she could see me, so I smiled. "You're doing great, kiddo."

She was doing great. I, on the other hand, was not. I wanted to cry and scream for my poor little baby who had this giant gash on her chin and was about to get stitched up. I was not feeling brave, not feeling strong, but I tried to show her that I was. She perceived me as strong and brave and that it wasn't all that bad and therefore, she could be strong and brave, too. And she was.

Sometimes, you have to tell the inner voice to quiet down. You have to put on your game face. You have to be strong and confident and authoritative, whether you're feeling secure about it or not. If they perceive it to be true, then it becomes so.

Happy Birthday Rachie Roo!

I don't know where the time goes... seems like just yesterday that she was born. Six pounds, two ounces, and 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Today she turns five.

Rachel is the kindest, sweetest person I know. She's smart, funny, creative, stubborn and beautiful. She's got a temper to match the fiery red hair, and a smile to make it not matter a bit. She loves pink, princesses, craft projects and chocolate. I love her beyond measure, and I can't imagine my life without her.

Friday she had an accident at summer camp, cracked the bottom of her chin on the edge of the pool. Seven stitches. She was so brave, so tough, so unlike I would have been. She has a heart of gold, a will of steel, and a courage unmatched in any child I've ever known. She amazes me daily, inspires me always, and never ceases to make my heart smile.

What a blessing she has been in my life, one I thank God for daily. The doctors told me I'd never carry a pregnancy to term, yet I've been blessed with two perfect miracles that remind me never to give up, always to look for the best in life, and never to settle for anything less than your heart can dream.

To my beautiful, amazing, sweet, funny little girl, may your life be blessed with the love, the joy and the perspective with which you have blessed mine.

Happy, Happy 5th Birthday, Rachel!

Love,
Mommy